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As a 62-year-old gay man living with HIV, the experience of ageing, relationships, and sexuality have shaped my perspective in ways I never anticipated when I was younger. My identity as a white cisgender gay man in a 17-year relationship provides the backdrop for understanding some of this.

My years of living with HIV has been a constant companion on this journey, and it’s a part of me that I’ve learned to accept and manage. The bio-psycho-social aspects of my life, including economic considerations, have profoundly influenced my outlook. I’ve been fortunate to have had access to excellent healthcare and support systems, but I’m acutely aware that this isn’t the case for everyone in my situation.

My active sex life has been a source of joy and connection, but at times it has also been intertwined with experiences of grief, loss and loneliness. I lost friends and lovers to AIDS, watched as our community was devastated by the epidemic, and felt the sting of stigma and discrimination. These experiences have left their mark, but they’ve also fostered a deep sense of empathy and a commitment to supporting others in similar situations.

The recent Bolder Online discussion on ‘Sexuality and Ageing’ resonated deeply, particularly the insightful presentation by Dr. Michael Lowy, a Sydney specialist in men’s health and sexuality.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve had to confront changes in my sexual desire, needs, and wants. It’s been a process of adaptation and rediscovery.

Some days, I feel as vibrant and sexually alive as I did in my 30s and 40s. Other days, I grapple with the physical and emotional challenges that come with age.

In my social circle, I’ve observed a wide range of experiences. Some friends maintain a vibrant sexual life well into their 60s and beyond, while others have withdrawn and struggle with feelings of inadequacy, undesirability, or physical limitations. This can be made more challenging when lipoatrophy or dystrophy is present, along with the natural changes that come with being older. It’s a reminder that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality as we age.

But ageing isn’t solely about sexuality. It encompasses a diverse range of needs, including physical intimacy and emotional connection. As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to appreciate the value of meaningful bonds that extend beyond sexual encounters. Companionship, shared experiences, and emotional support have become increasingly important.

Balancing these needs with age-related health issues has been a challenge. I’ve had to navigate prostate health concerns, manage my HIV treatment, and stay vigilant about other potential age-related health conditions. Dr Lowy emphasised the importance of exercise, eating well, and maintaining a healthy waist circumference. He also spoke of the ‘Deadly Quartet’: metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular disease, testosterone deficiency, and lower urinary tract symptoms.

It’s been a wake-up call to take better care of my overall health, not just manage my HIV. And the importance of feeling safe enough to have frank discussions with my professional care givers.

Navigating intimacy and change is an ongoing process. I’ve had to examine the losses and gains related to sex, intimacy, and performance. Adapting to changes in potency and redefining my relationship with my body has been challenging but ultimately rewarding. I’ve learned to appreciate the many different forms of intimacy and connection.

My journey as a gay man living with HIV has given me a unique perspective on life. I’ve experienced discrimination and stigma, but I’ve also found incredible strength and support within the LGBTQ+ and HIV-positive communities. My fellow travellers – those living with HIV – share a unique bond. We’ve faced mortality, navigated complex medical systems, and fought for our rights and dignity.

Listening to Michael Lowy’s talk and reflecting on my journey, I’m filled with a mix of emotions. There’s gratitude for the life I’ve lived and the love I’ve experienced. There’s sadness for the friends I’ve lost and the challenges I’ve faced. But most of all, there’s a sense of pride in my resilience.

My story is just one among many, but I hope that by sharing it, I can contribute to a broader understanding of the experiences of ageing gay men living with HIV. We are not defined by our age, our sexuality, or our HIV status. We are complex, multifaceted individuals with rich lives and valuable perspectives to share.

In conclusion, Bolder Online is more than just a Zoom meeting; it offers connection, community, and source of collective strength for people navigating the challenges of ageing with resilience and support. Click on the Bolder Online image to go to the NAPWHA page where you can register for our next gathering.